What Is the Abandonment Schema?

Abandonment is an early maladaptive schema (EMS) that shapes how clients experience interpersonal connections, separation, and conflict. Left unchecked, this schema can have a significant impact on clients’ lives and intimate relationships, including the therapeutic alliance.

What is the abandonment schema?

The abandonment schema is characterized by a fear that important relationships will end suddenly and irreparably. People with this schema often feel anxious about the possibility of relationship breakdowns and losses. They tend to be hypervigilant for signs of abandonment and prone to rejection sensitivity (Young et al., 2003; DePaoli et al., 2017). This fear can significantly affect how they think, feel, and behave in their close relationships, potentially reinforcing the very fears they are trying to avoid.

1. Abandonment centers on loss, instability, and unreliability

For some clients, abandonment involves the expectation that close relationships will end. For others, abandonment is experienced as a perceived lack of security, consistency, and reliability. Young and Klosko (1994) suggest that this sense of ‘emotional abandonment’ often stems from unstable caregivers, such as those who were suddenly aggressive or rejecting.

2. Abandonment can take different forms

Young and Klosko (1994) identify two common abandonment patterns associated with different childhood experiences.

Individuals struggling with ‘functional abandonment’ fear that they will not survive in the world without the support of another person. These people have often experienced overprotective childhoods, leading to a dependence/incompetence schema as well as abandonment.

In contrast, individuals struggling with ‘emotional abandonment’ are more concerned about the intense hurt that accompanies interpersonal disconnection. These concerns often stem from early experiences of loss or instability.

3. Relationships can feel precarious even when they are objectively secure

People with an abandonment schema often experience close relationships as unstable or fragile, even though there might be little objective evidence that the relationship is precarious. Minor separations, disagreements, or periods of emotional distance may be experienced by the client as signs that the relationship is about to end (Young & Klosko, 1994; Young et al., 2003).

4. Rejection sensitivity can be central

Some individuals with an abandonment schema are high in rejection sensitivity: the tendency to anticipate, perceive, and overreact to real or imagined rejection (De Paoli et al., 2017; Downey & Feldman, 1996). Because of this sensitivity, they are more likely to interpret ambiguous social cues as signs of abandonment and rejection and selectively attend to threatening interpersonal information. This makes it harder for them to judge whether a relationship is genuinely under threat or whether their abandonment schema has been activated.

5. Schema triggers can include physical separation and emotional disconnection

People tend to experience the abandonment schema most acutely in their intimate relationships. Physical separation – such as time away from a partner – is a common trigger this schema. However, emotional disconnection can be equally distressing, such as instances where a loved one seems bored, distracted, or focused on another individual.

6. People cope with abandonment in different ways

Like all early maladaptive schemas, abandonment is associated with characteristic coping styles (Young et al., 2003). For instance, some people surrender to this schema by worrying about being abandoned, seeking reassurance, or remaining in relationships that reinforce their fears. Others avoid this schema by pursuing superficial relationships, withdrawing emotionally, or avoiding intimacy altogether. Lastly, some individuals overcompensate by becoming controlling, rejecting others before they can be rejected, or denying their need for close relationships. Although these coping styles may reduce distress in the short term, they often strengthen the abandonment schema over time.

7. Abandonment is often coupled with other schemas

Clinical observation suggests that abandonment often co-occurs with other schemas. They include:

Defectiveness. The client believes that other people will leave if they discover how flawed they are.
Emotional deprivation. Perceived or actual abandonment leaves the client feeling emotionally neglected and deprived. These schemas often share an origin in unavailable or inconsistent caregivers.
Self-sacrifice. Often mirroring early life experiences, the client self-sacrifices and cares for others in the hope that this will prevent them from leaving.
Subjugation. The client does whatever other people want to avoid being abandoned.
Unrelenting standards. The client strives to be perfect to prevent desertion or to suppress the emotional pain of past losses.

8. Abandonment may affect therapy itself

Therapists should be aware that the abandonment schema can have a detrimental impact on clients’ response to therapy. Research indicates that individuals with higher pre-treatment levels of abandonment tend to experience poorer outcomes in CBT for OCD (Haaland et al., 2011). Furthermore, individuals with this schema sometimes struggle to form a therapeutic alliance, especially early in treatment, which has the potential to sabotage therapy. This makes the therapist’s consistency, reliability, and careful attention to alliance ruptures especially important when abandonment is prominent in the formulation.

For some clients, healing this schema needs to focus on building reliable relationships that bring stability to their lives. For others, it involves recognizing that their relationships are secure and handling the difficult feelings that come with being alone, such as fear or jealousy. Either way, learning to soothe and care for the abandoned child inside is often essential.

Abandonment: 8 Things Therapists Need To Know About This Schema