Assertive Listening: An Underappreciated Aspect Of Assertive Communication

Assertiveness is often associated with self-expression: speaking clearly, being direct, and showing respect. However, effective communication is a two-way process: it requires both being heard and listening to the other person.

Assertive listening is an active process that involves actively and respectfully attending to and understanding another person’s messages (Alberti & Emmons, 2017; Bishop, 2013). This article outlines the rationale for assertive listening, its core components, and ways therapists can help clients develop this skill.

The value of assertiveness

Effective communication allows people to share information, coordinate actions, and achieve their goals (Rohner & Schutz, 2024). It is crucial for forming and maintaining healthy relationships, enabling individuals to express their needs, build trust, address misunderstandings, and resolve conflicts (McKay et al., 2018).

In the assertiveness literature, communication styles are usually categorized as assertive (i.e., clear, honest, and respectful) or non-assertive, such being passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive (Bonham-Carter, 2012; Speed et al., 2018). Non-assertive communication has been associated with stress, anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, and problems in the workplace (e.g., Speed et al., 2018; Suzuki et al., 2009), while assertiveness has been linked to a host of personal and interpersonal benefits.

Most assertiveness training programs incorporate a combination of psychoeducation, cognitive restructuring, behavioral skills training, and real-world practice (Duckworth, 2009; Hagberg et al., 2023; Linehan, 1979; Speed et al., 2018). Many programs highlight the specific role that assertive listening plays in effective communication (Alberti & Emmons, 2017; Bishop, 2013; Bonham-Carter, 2012; Brown & Carmichael, 1992).

What is assertive listening?

Similar to active listening, assertive listening involves giving the other person undivided attention, allowing them to finish without interruption, and conveying an understanding of what has been shared. It does not mean remaining silent or simply waiting for an opportunity to respond. Nor does it require the listener to abandon their own needs or agree with everything the speaker says. Rather, it is an active process that requires effort, concentration, and focus.

Five components of assertive listening

1. Giving the speaker full attention

The listener stays present, avoids distractions, and focuses on what the other person is saying. This may require reducing competing demands or recognizing when the timing or setting makes it hard to listen attentively.

2. Allowing the speaker to finish

The other person is allowed to speak without being rushed or interrupted. As well as showing respect, this ensures the listener will hear the complete message without making assumptions about what is being conveyed.

3. Showing engagement

Eye contact, nodding, and open facial expressions signal attention and interest in what is being communicated.

4. Asking clarifying questions

Questions are used to check understanding, explore key parts of the message, and show genuine interest. For example, the listener might ask the speaker to explain a point in more detail.

5. Summarizing what has been heard

The listener identifies the key parts of what the speaker has communicated, including their needs, feelings, and opinions. Putting the message into the listener’s own words shows that they have listened and provides an opportunity to correct misunderstandings.

The potential benefits of assertive listening

A range of benefits have been identified in relation to assertive listening (Alberti & Emmons, 2017; Ames et al., 2012; Bishop, 2013; Bonham-Carter, 2012). For instance, it can:

• Signal respect and understanding.

• Encourage openness and reciprocity.

• Improve comprehension of the speaker’s position.

• Identify points of agreement and disagreement.

• Reduce the risk of conflict.

Research supports the advantages of assertive listening. For example, Ames and colleagues (2012) found that good listening was associated with greater influence on others, beyond what was actually said. The authors suggested that listening provides informational benefits, such as a better understanding of the other person’s position, and relational benefits, such as increased interpersonal trust.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

Is assertive listening the same as agreeing?

No. Assertive listening seeks to understand the speaker’s position and identify areas of agreement and disagreement. It does not require the listener to defer to the speaker’s or agree with their conclusions.

Can listening make a person appear passive?

Assertive listening may appear overly agreeable if it is not combined with assertive self-expression (Mnookin et al., 1996). Assertive communication is two-way process in which listening is followed, when appropriate, by clear and respectful expression.

How can clients practice assertive listening?

Assertive listening can be practiced in everyday conversations before moving onto more challenging interactions, such as disagreements and critical feedback. Practice exercises should be tailored according to the client’s needs and ability.

Key references

• Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (10th ed.). Impact Publishers.

• Ames, D., Maissen, L. B., & Brockner, J. (2012). The role of listening in interpersonal influence. Journal of Research in Personality, 46, 345–349.

• Bonham-Carter, D. (2012). Assertiveness: A practical guide. Icon Books.

• Linehan, M. M. (1979). Structured cognitive-behavioral treatment of assertion problems. In P. C. Kendall & S. V. Hollon (Eds.), Cognitive-behavioral interventions: Theory, research, and procedures (pp. 205–240). Academic Press.

• McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2018). Messages: The communication skills workbook (4th ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

• Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25, e12216.