Passive, Aggressive, And Assertive Communication Styles Explained

Communication difficulties are a common focus of therapy. Whether clients struggle to express their needs, find themselves caught in repeated conflicts, or communicate frustration indirectly, patterns of communication can have a significant impact on mood, relationships, self-esteem, and functioning.

For cognitive behavioral therapists, schema therapists, and many others, understanding communication styles provides a useful framework for conceptualization and intervention.

What are communication styles?

Communication is the way people share information, allowing them to express needs, share ideas, and form connections. Communication is also a two-way process, involving self-expression and understanding the other person’s response.

People communicate in unique ways, but they often lean toward a particular ‘style’ or ‘pattern’ of communication. In the assertiveness literature, communication styles are usually categorized as assertive or non-assertive. Non-assertive communication is typically divided into three subtypes: passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive communication.

While there is no perfect way to communicate, assertiveness is often effective across many situations.

What is assertive communication?

At its core, assertiveness is a clear and respectful way of communicating with other people. It has been described in many ways, including:

• Expressing oneself in a clear, honest, and direct manner.

• Relating in ways that show respect for oneself and others.

• Standing up for one’s rights, without anxiety or undue guilt.

Based on these descriptions and others, some of the key characteristics of assertiveness include:

• Clear and direct communication.

• Respect for one’s rights and the rights of others.

• Promoting fairness and equality in relationships.

• Being persistent when necessary.

• Taking responsibility for the outcomes of one’s communication.

While some experts view assertiveness as the “sweet spot” between passive and aggressive communication, others view it as a distinct style because it doesn’t involve a sense of threat.

Passive communication: “You’re right, I’m wrong”

When people communicate passively, they hold back from sharing their true thoughts and feelings. Instead, they might keep their opinions to themselves, agree to things they don’t want to do, or apologize when they express themselves. In other words, passive communicators give away their power and show no respect for themselves.

Passive communication can be useful in situations where complying with instructions is necessary or standing up for oneself could be dangerous. However, it is more often associated with feeling overlooked, ignored, or taken advantage of, as well as bottled-up feelings (stress, frustration) and one-sided relationships.

Aggressive communication: “I’m right, you’re wrong”

When people communicate aggressively, they express themselves in ways that dominate others. This can include raising their voice, interrupting, intimidating, or making demands. Aggressive communication is characterized by a lack of respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions, while attempting to impose power over them.

While aggressive communication may seem effective in the short term, but it tends to damage relationships, escalate conflict, and reduce the likelihood that other people will listen or respond constructively.

Passive-aggressive communication: “Whatever you say”

Passive-aggressive communication involves expressing thoughts and feelings indirectly rather than openly. Examples include sarcasm, backhanded compliments, sulking, gossiping, “forgetting” to do something, or giving someone the silent treatment. Although passive-aggressive communication can appear calm on the surface, it is often a way of expressing anger or exerting power indirectly.

Being passive-aggressive often leads to problems because communication is unclear, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved issues. This can contribute to resentment, confusion, and tension within relationships.

Clinical implications

Non-assertive communication can be maintained by a variety of factors, including:

• Skills deficits (i.e., not knowing how to assert oneself).

• Negative beliefs (i.e., fears about the consequences of self-expression).

• Difficult emotional responses (e.g., intense anxiety during challenging interactions).

For example, people who communicate passively may hold beliefs such as “If I express myself, people won’t like me”, or feel overwhelmed with anxiety during difficult conversations. On the other hand, people who communicate aggressively may hold beliefs such as “If I’m not forceful, nobody will listen”, or struggle to regulate their frustration.

Fortunately, there are many ways therapists can support non-assertive clients.

Top 5 tips for therapists working with non-assertive communication styles

• Assess cognitions, emotions, behaviors, and goals: Communication styles are influenced by the way people think and feel, over- and under-learned patterns of behavior, and what they want to achieve during social interactions, such as avoiding conflict or dominating others.

• Explore maintaining cycles: Passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive communication often persist because they reduce distress or achieve short-term goals, which can be highly reinforcing.

• Consider context: Social expectations, gender expectations, and cultural values influence how people communicate and how these expressions are interpreted. Hold all these factors in mind when it comes to formulation and intervention.

• Combine cognitive, behavioral, and affect-focused interventions: Psychoeducation, self-monitoring, cognitive restructuring, behavioral skills training, and emotional regulation skills can all play a role in assertiveness training, depending on clients’ individual needs.

• Listening is underrated: Feeling heard and understood during social interactions often depends on doing the same for others. Learning to listen effectively (i.e., ‘assertive listening’) can improve interactions in several ways:

  • Listening helps people feel understood, so they are more likely to listen in return.

• Listening results in fewer misunderstandings, which prevents conflict.

• Listening clarifies points of agreement and disagreement, helping clients respond in more effective ways.

Conclusion

Understanding the differences between passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive communication styles can inform case conceptualizations and guide appropriate interventions.

While passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive styles can seem helpful in the short-term, they often create longer-term problems for individuals and relationships.

Assertive communication offers an effective alternative that emphasizes clarity, mutual respect, and equality. As such, it can be a key component of effective talking therapies for a range of psychological difficulties.

Further Reading

• Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (10th ed.). Impact Publishers.

• Ames, D. R., & Flynn, F. J. (2007). What breaks a leader: The curvilinear relation between assertiveness and leadership. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 307–324.

• Bonham-Carter, D. (2012). Assertiveness: A Practical Guide. Icon Books.

• Epstein, N., Degiovanni, I. S., & Jayne-Lazarus, C. (1978). Assertion training for couples. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 9, 149–155.

• Hayward, M., Strauss, C., & Kingdon, D. (2012). Overcoming Distressing Voices: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques. Robinson.

• Jakubowski, P., & Lange, A. J. (1978). The Assertive Option: Your Rights and Responsibilities. Research Press Company.

• Linehan, M. M. (1979). Structured cognitive-behavioral treatment of assertion problems. In P. C. Kendall & S. V. Hollon (Eds.), Cognitive-Behavioral Interventions: Theory, Research, and Procedures (pp. 205–240). Academic Press.

• Paterson, R. J. (2022). The Assertiveness Workbook: How To Express Your Ideas And Stand Up For Yourself At Work And In Relationships (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

• Rakos, R. F. (1991). Assertive Behavior: Theory, Research, and Training. Routledge.

• Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25, e12216.