Self-Forgiveness: What It Is, Why It Matters, And How It Can Be Addressed

At some point in their lives, everyone acts (or fails to act) in ways that cause harm to others, whether this is intentional or unintentional. When we recognize that our behavior has fallen short of our values, principles, or personal standards, we can respond in different ways, including self-condemnation, pseudo self-forgiveness, and genuine self-forgiveness. Research suggests that genuine self-forgiveness can be beneficial for physical health, mental health, wellbeing, and relationships (Davis et al., 2015; Griffin et al., 2015; Toussaint et al., 2019). This article shares five key points for therapists working with individuals struggling with self-forgiveness.

1. Self-condemnation can become self-reinforcing

Self-condemnation is a common response to personal transgressions, characterized by distressing emotions such as shame and guilt, and a diminished sense of self-worth and self-respect. Woodyatt and colleagues (Woodyatt, 2023; Woodyatt & Wenzel, 2020) have presented a cycle of self-condemnation that illustrates how these responses can be self-reinforcing. Actions that violate personal values may threaten an individual’s fundamental psychological needs, such as their social or moral identity and agency. This can trigger rumination (e.g., mentally replaying the incident), which increases negative appraisals, emotions, and associated intrusions. This can in turn lead to behaviors that seek to manage this distress, such as avoidance, thought suppression, defensiveness, or self-punishment. Because these reactions usually fail to address the individual’s threatened psychological needs, self-condemnation tends to persist.

Research indicates that self-condemnation following transgressions carries significant costs for the transgressor and their relationships (e.g., Pelucchi et al., 2013; Woodyatt & Wenzel, 2013a). For example, studies have shown that self-punitiveness is associated with reduced empathy for the victim, diminished desire for reconciliation, and reduced relationship satisfaction. Chronic shame and guilt are implicated in various mental health difficulties and have the potential to hinder the psychotherapeutic process due to stigma, increased risk of dropout, and treatment non-adherence.

2. Pseudo self-forgiveness isn’t genuine self-forgiveness

Pseudo self-forgiveness, or self-exoneration, refers to instances in which individuals shirk, deny, or minimize their responsibility for offenses, thereby reducing their feelings of shame and distress. This is essentially a defensive response to wrongdoing that can involve making excuses, blaming others, justifying one’s behavior, and downplaying the impact of transgressions rather than taking ownership for these actions (Fisher & Exline, 2006).

While pseudo self-forgiveness has been associated with increased well-being, letting oneself “off the hook” does not usually entail relational repair, meaningful psychological change, or motivation to reduce problematic behaviors. For these reasons, it can have negative consequences for the individual and their relationships (e.g., McConnell, 2015).

3. Genuine self-forgiveness requires responsibility and repair

Genuine self-forgiveness, also known responsible self-forgiveness, is an effortful process in which an individual accepts responsibility for transgressions, makes amends, and experiences a restored sense of self-worth, empathy, and connectedness to others. Crucially, genuine self-forgiveness does not entail shifting blame from internal to external sources but acknowledging and maintaining accountability for past actions while reshaping one’s self-concept (McConnell, 2015; Woodyatt & Wenzel, 2013; Worthington, 2013).

This process can apply to both intrapersonal offenses, such as forgiving oneself for self-directed harm, and interpersonal offenses, such as forgiving oneself for harming others. Common aspects of self-forgiveness include:

• Recognizing that one has violated their values.

• Accepting responsibility for the offense.

• Shifting away from self-condemnation without denying personal responsibility.

• Shifting toward more kind and benevolent cognitions, emotions, and motivations.

Accordingly, self-forgiveness is more than simply feeling better about oneself. It is a complex process that involves cognitive components (such as accepting responsibility) and affective components, like reducing feelings of self-condemnation that enable people to feel good and do right (Woodyatt & Wenzel, 2020).

4. Self-forgiveness isn’t the same as self-compassion

Therapists should note that self-forgiveness is distinct from self-compassion, although they overlap. Both constructs share common motivations, such as self-acceptance, connection to others, and recognizing the need for reparative action. However, self-compassion tends to be a dynamic, ongoing practice and is cultivated irrespective of wrongdoing. In contrast, self-forgiveness tends to be episodic insofar it applies to specific transgressions (Wohl & McLaughlin, 2014). That said, individuals may need to develop aspects of self-compassion (such as sensitivity to their own distress) in situations where forgiving oneself is difficult (Gilbert & Woodyatt, 2017).

5. Self-forgiveness isn’t always necessary or helpful

While self-forgiveness has clear benefits, therapists should be aware that there may be instances in which self-forgiveness is neither warranted nor desirable (Wohl & McLaughlin, 2014; Wohl & Thompson, 2011):

• Forgiving oneself too quickly can be unhelpful. Distressing emotions that follow personal transgressions (such as shame, guilt, and regret) can be crucial indicators of one’s values and can help motivate efforts toward relational repair. Additionally, ruminating on personal wrongdoings might help individuals focus on restorative goals.

• Forgiving oneself too easily can also be problematic. Research suggests that forgiving oneself for harmful, self-directed behaviors (such as smoking or gambling) can reduce motivation to change (Wohl & Thompson, 2011). One study found that, among individuals who were bored with their partner, self-forgiveness for contemplating infidelity led to increased willingness to do so (Gillen, et al., 2012, cited in Wohl & McLaughlin, 2014).

• Forgiving oneself unnecessarily can occur when people want to forgive themselves for situations where they were not at fault. For example, a victim of sexual assault might believe that they were responsible for the trauma (Cornish & Wade, 2015).

Supporting self-forgiveness: 7 key tips for therapists

1. Assess whether the client is experiencing persistent and offense-related distress

Indications that clients may benefit from exploring self-forgiveness include (Cornish et al., 2017):

• Feelings of ongoing shame, guilt, remorse, worry, anger, and sadness.

• Cognitions and cognitive processes such as self-criticism, rumination on the offense, and lack of closure.

• Behaviors such as self-punishment, offense-related avoidance, and victim devaluation.

2. Re-evaluate negative beliefs about self-forgiveness

Some clients hold negative beliefs about the propriety of self-forgiveness (e.g., that it is synonymous for excusing or forgetting the offense) that may need to be examined before it can be considered.

3. Distinguish feelings from facts

Self-forgiveness entails ‘sitting with’ offence-related emotions for a time. However, clients need to be reminded that these feelings are not always a true reflection of reality.

4. Improve emotional regulation

Distress tolerance can be a vital for individuals who have transgressed, particularly those with pronounced self-punitiveness. Equally, they may need to accept that some emotions will not be eliminated by self-forgiveness.

5. Judge behavior rather than global character

Many clients benefit from shifting evaluations of their entire self following a transgression, such as “I am a bad person,” to evaluations of their actions, such as “I did something bad” (McConnell, 2015; Woodyatt, 2023).

6. Help clients move from avoidance to repair

For example, clients might consider conciliatory actions such as apologizing, expressing remorse, and seeking forgiveness from the victim. These actions may help restore their self-image.

7. Use the self-forgiveness literature

Detailed guidance for supporting the process of the self-forgiveness has been outlined by several authors, including structured self-directed interventions (Griffin et al., 2015) and therapist-led treatments (Cornish & Wade, 2015). Outcomes for many of these interventions are promising (Vismaya et al., 2024).

References

• Cornish, M. A., & Wade, N. G. (2015). A therapeutic model of self-forgiveness with intervention strategies for counselors. Journal of Counseling and Development, 96–104.

• Cornish, M. A., Wade, N. G., & Cikara, A. (2017). Self-forgiveness in individual psychotherapy: Therapeutic models and counseling outcomes. In Handbook of the psychology of self-forgiveness (pp. 163-177). Cham: Springer International Publishing.

• Davis, D. E., Ho, M. Y., Griffin, B. J., Bell, C., Hook, J. N., Van Tongeren, D. R., DeBlaere, C., Worthington, E. L., Jr., & Westbrook, C. J. (2015). Forgiving the self and physical and mental health correlates: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62, 329–335.

• Fisher, M. L., & Exline, J. J. (2006). Self-forgiveness versus excusing: The roles of remorse, effort, and acceptance of responsibility. Self and Identity, 5(02), 127-146.

• Gilbert, P., & Woodyatt, L. (2017). An evolutionary approach to shame-based self-criticism, self-forgiveness, and compassion. In Handbook of the psychology of self-forgiveness (pp. 29-41). Cham: Springer International Publishing.

• Gillen, N., Wohl, M. J. A., & Harasymchuk, C. (2012). Relational boredom and willingness to engage in infidelity: The role of self-forgiveness. In Poster presented at the 13th annual meeting of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology (SPSP), San Diego, CA.

• Griffin, B. J., Worthington Jr, E. L., Lavelock, C. R., Greer, C. L., Lin, Y., Davis, D. E., & Hook, J. N. (2015). Efficacy of a self-forgiveness workbook: a randomized controlled trial with interpersonal offenders. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62, 124-136.

• McConnell, J. M. (2015). A conceptual-theoretical-empirical framework for self-forgiveness: Implications for research and practice. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 37(3), 143-164.

• Pelucchi, S., Paleari, F. G., Regalia, C., & Fincham, F. D. (2013). Self-forgiveness in romantic relationships: It matters to both of us. Journal of Family Psychology, 27(4), 541.

• Toussaint, L. L., et al. (2019). Forgiveness and physical health. In: Worthington Jr. & Wade (Eds.), Handbook of forgiveness(pp.178-187). Routledge.

• Vismaya, A., Gopi, A., Romate, J., & Rajkumar, E. (2024). Psychological interventions to promote self-forgiveness: A systematic review. BMC Psychology, 12, 258.

• Wohl, M. J., & McLaughlin, K. J. (2014). Self-forgiveness: The good, the bad, and the ugly. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 8, 422–435.

• Wohl, M. J., & Thompson, A. (2011). A dark side to self‐forgiveness: Forgiving the self and its association with chronic unhealthy behaviour. British Journal of Social Psychology, 50(2), 354-364.

• Woodyatt, L. (2023). Self-condemnation and pathways to forgiveness. In G. Pettigrove & R. Enright (Eds.), The Routledge handbook of the philosophy and psychology of forgiveness. Taylor & Francis.

• Woodyatt, L., & Wenzel, M. (2013). Self-forgiveness and restoration of an offender following an interpersonal transgression. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 32(2), 225-259.

• Woodyatt, L., & Wenzel, M. (2020). The psychology of self-forgiveness. In E. L. Worthington Jr. & N. G. Wade (Eds.), Handbook of forgiveness. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

• Worthington Jr, E. L. (2013). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. Routledge.