Passive Communication And People-Pleasing

Communication plays an important role in relationships, mental health, and functioning at work. The way people communicate can influences how well they express their needs, navigate conflict, and maintain healthy interpersonal boundaries.

Within the assertiveness literature, the people communicate (sometimes referred to as ‘communication styles’ are often categorized as assertive or non-assertive. One of the most common forms of non-assertiveness is passive communication: a style characterized by restricted self-expression and a tendency to prioritize the needs, preferences, and expectations of others.

For therapists providing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), schema therapy, and related approaches, it is helpful to understand how passive communication and people-pleasing are sometimes related to one another. By recognizing the motivations and consequences associated with both issues, therapists can better understand interpersonal difficulties and help clients become more assertive.

What is passive communication?

Passive communication occurs when people keep their thoughts, feelings, needs, or preferences to themselves. For example, they might silence their opinions, agree to things they do not want to do, or apologize when they express themselves. This communication style often arises from a desire to avoid conflict, criticism, or rejection.

In terms of power and respect, people who communicate in passive ways give their power away in relationships and do not show respect for themselves.

The connection between passive communication and people-pleasing

Many therapists will have noticed a link between passive communication and people-pleasing.

A common reason why individuals communicate in passive ways is that they want to please others or avoid their disapproval. For example, they might believe that relating in this way makes them more likeable, avoids conflicts, or prevents something bad from happening, like being rejected for expressing oneself.

However, people pleasing isn’t the sole reason for passive communication. Sometimes, people struggle to express themselves because they have limited communication skills or find it hard to manage strong emotions during difficult interactions. Understanding the reasons and motivations for passive communication is key.

How passive communication presents in clinical practice

Passive communication is associated with characteristic thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and interpersonal goals. Identifying these components can help therapists develop individualized formulations and target interventions more precisely.

For example, thoughts associated with passive communication might include the following:

• “It’s dangerous to express myself.”

• “I shouldn’t make a fuss.”

• “It’s easier to go along with things.”

Feelings associated with passive communication commonly are:

• Anxiety

• Powerlessness

• Resentment for being pushed around

Passive behaviors can include:

• Giving in to requests.

• Avoiding difficult conversations.

• Tolerating mistreatment.

What keeps passive communication going?

People who communicate in passive ways often fear speaking up for themselves. One of the main reasons for this is that they worry something bad will happen if they do, such as being criticized or rejected. This can create a pattern that maintains passive communication and, relatedly, people pleasing:

• The client makes negative predictions (e.g., “They won’t like me if I speak up”).

• They feel anxious.

• They communicate in passive ways.

• Their fears about self-expression stay the same.

From a CBT perspective, this can lead to a vicious cycle: the absence of corrective experiences means the client’s negative beliefs do not change, resulting in a recurring (people pleasing) pattern of behavior.

The consequences of passive communication

Passive communication isn’t always a bad thing. For example, if there is a real risk that someone will hurt you, going along with their demands could be your safest option. In an emergency, following orders and doing what you’re told might be necessary.

However, in many situations, passive communication often causes problems. These consequences include:

• Being ignored or taken advantage of.

• Feeling overlooked or unimportant.

• Bottling up feelings, which can lead to stress and resentment.

• Developing one-sided relationships.

• Failing to address conflicts.

Research has also associated non-assertiveness with a range of mental health difficulties, including anxiety, depression, stress, and low self-esteem, as well as problems in relationships and the workplace.

For these reasons, addressing passive communication in therapy can have a significant impact on clients’ lives.

5 Tips for working with passive communication

1. Explore whether it has a function. Explore what the client is hoping to achieve by being passive. Common goals include avoiding rejection, securing approval, or keeping relationships intact.

2. Identify predictions about being assertive. Look for thoughts such as “They won’t like me”, “I’ll upset someone”, or “I’ll make a fool of myself.” These predictions often play a role in maintaining passive behavior.

3. Explore costs and benefits. Passive communication might provide short-term relief but it often contributes to long-term difficulties. Help clients explore both sides to inform their case conceptualization and build motivation for change.

4. Test beliefs about speaking up. Use behavioral experiments to challenge the client’s beliefs about expressing themselves. Do their fears prove to be true?

5. Consider the role of emotional (dys)regulation and skills deficit. Some clients find it difficult to express themselves due to limited communication skills or intense anxiety during difficult interactions. Behavioral skills training and emotional regulation strategies can help these individuals.

Further Reading

• Allan, S., & Gilbert, P. (1997). Submissive behaviour and psychopathology. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 36, 467–488.

• Bonham-Carter, D. (2012). Assertiveness: A Practical Guide. Icon Books.

• Gilbert, P., & Allan, S. (1994). Assertiveness, submissive behaviour and social comparison. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 33, 295–306.

• Linehan, M. M. (1979). Structured cognitive-behavioral treatment of assertion problems. In P. C. Kendall & S. V. Hollon (Eds.), Cognitive-Behavioral Interventions: Theory, Research, and Procedures (pp. 205–240). Academic Press.

• Paterson, R. J. (2022). The Assertiveness Workbook: How To Express Your Ideas And Stand Up For Yourself At Work And In Relationships (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

• Rakos, R. F. (1991). Assertive Behavior: Theory, Research, and Training. Routledge.

• Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25, e12216.

• Suzuki, E., Saito, M., Tagaya, A., Mihara, R., Maruyama, A., Azuma, T., & Sato, C. (2009). Relationship between assertiveness and burnout among nurse managers. Japan Journal of Nursing Science, 6, 71–81.